There is no easy way for me to remember the day that changed my entire life. One, because I was drugged to the high heavens; and two, because it is still traumatizing to bring myself back to that point.

I remember specifically waking up and watching Wizards of Waverly place on the hospital television. My mom was in the chair next to me with her head down. There weren’t many answers yet, just test after test. So I watched TV. I was 15 and had been going through an “I’m too cool for Disney channel” stage but at that moment, I would have done anything to feel like a kid again.

A nurse swept in past the curtain and closed it behind her. My mom perked up out of her chair to talk. I came in and out of my daze, trying to listen in on what they were talking about. The nurse came to the end of my bed and looked me dead in the eyes.

“The scan came back showing pulmonary embolisms in each of your lungs and hemorrhaging in the left lung.You did the right thing Holly. If you had waited any longer to call your mom, it would have been a very different outcome.”

She might as well have said “Holly, there is lots of blood, you almost died AND your mom would have found you dead! Any more questions?”

I watched my mom break down. I had no idea what any of the medical terms meant but I knew it was bad. For her to tell me I almost didn’t make it was enough information for me. My mom’s phone was ringing off the hook, it was my dad trying to figure out what was going on. I wished she could answer and tell him it would be okay, that I’d be home soon and we will pick up a pizza for dinner. I wished he didn’t have to leave work and fly up I95 to see his daughter clinging to her life. I wished I was Selena Gomez in Wizards of Waverly Place.

I stared in disbelief trying to understand the mountain of information being thrown at me but it was useless. It’s ironic to think back now, because (spoiler alert) this happened to me again four years later in a different country where I REALLY could not understand the information because it was in Arabic.

“Any more questions?” There it was.

 

YEAH ACTUALLY….. WHAT the HECK do I now??

 

At this point I couldn’t breathe or talk without feeling like I had been struck by lightning. So I kept it short and sweet, asking the first thing that came to my mind.

 

I was dying. I knew that. I had no more questions. I just needed to know one thing if I still wanted to live at all.

 

“Will I still be able to sing?”

 

“Yes, sweetie. And it will be beautiful.”

 

 

 

 

 

*Continued in Part 3: “Paramedic Angels”